Buddy Program

Buddy Check, as the swimming beach makes you raise hands with your buddy, to minimize a lone kid drowning under the dock. Our buddy check is Lil'Me going on the overnight BD party with Happy. Trying to explain to her that when she makes good choices then she gets more opportunities and better things, as my hands expand into a ball and then when she has trouble making her own choices then there is not as many things available to her. Deer in the headlights. The strange stare that Buzzy gives when he feels jaded about the conceptions and reality of having to be the "bad guy." Happy forgot to pack a sleeping bag even, but of course brought her little puppy that pees. This party is for a friend that graciously invited both girls. Lil'Me has her in class, and so does Happy for the reading intervention program. So a great mix of kids. At my girls party this girl swapped her classmates for the small group of kids, that was her comfort level, playing with the pee pee puppy all night. As much as we dislike sleepovers, as the girls are getting older, it seems inevitable. Not for Happy though; her melding characteristics, vulnerability, and communication/processing delays put her at greater risk of being victimized and we are not going to afford her that. Unfortunately, she will likely never appreciate or understand this favor we will provide for her. Lil'Me, as she asked why we wouldn't let them spend the night and I said because Dad is worried about people being creepy. "mom, I am old enough, I work at the library, I know to scream and get away from someone creepy." The condition being they were both invited and Lil'Me carries the responsibility and maturity card big enough for both of them. They had explicit instructions to sleep too:)

Making it

the emotional energy it takes to raise these kids is crazy. at the end of the day i know God has me in the right place at the right time, but it is mistaken misery at times! we haven't seen the step girls in a long time too. i am just fine with that right now because i have a tendency to want to fix things, and there are so many things i cannot mend from their upbringing by a person i couldn't disagree with more. raising daughters is hard, and i see that with happy, she is vulnerable and melds in any environment she is in. as a parent, i am not just going to shrug my shoulders and watch her be misguided and mislead. i will likely homeschool her after the elementary experience and do my best to influence her and protect her from the harsh realities waiting to devour her. she is naturally drawn to lower functioning peers, which in turn, have lower functioning parents and thus the cycle remains. i cannot force friends, but i can eliminate options. leaning twards 4h, church, and other recreational activities to form relationships with, not her special ed groups at school! i know it must sound horrible, but she is my kid and i have high hopes for her. i have witnessed a lack of identity and grounding. a lack of understanding to the foundation we work so hard to establish here. we have daily Bible studies, listen to primarily Christian music, the kids all recite the 10 Commandments and other verses, but yet deer in the headlights. not sure what path to take. but with God by my side I will not be afraid to do what is right and what is in her best interest. that is why this is so hard! i wish that my battles with disabilities didn't infringe on my relationships with my bio kids, but it does. it creeps into my existence and shadows my thoughts, it hardens my heart at times and wrestles with my desires to have a fun and relaxing home. i need to overcome the burden mindset though and embrace my challenges and obligations to best serve everyone and not be consumed by my emotions. i cannot be captive to where the world has me, as i am not of this world and through Christ i have been set free. amen to that!

wastes of time

autism. egocentric-ism. laziness. one takes the big bag of garbage out to the end of the driveway yet comes back empty handed, determined that it is someone else's turn. the other refused to wear his coat last night, cold january temps, mind you. why you ask? because it wasnt worth it to hang his coat up twice. i will never cease to be amazed at the flawed concepts and processing problems that affect daily decisions and the paths of what we consider normal! there is an odd style of measurements, relations, and conceptual balance among the quad.

Attachment

Reactive attachment disorder is almost like brain damage because the concepts were not formed at infancy, or likely birth to three when such immaculate nature transponder between parents and infants. In relationships, communication, temperature, space, time, and money I can see associations I would contribute to the neglect. The brain damage piece is there is no way to teach these things either. It just really sucks. But, of course I take joy because I have faith my Lord Jesus has great plans for his people. Rad can vary, some extreme cases can really inhibits one ability to be independant. And in the meantime runs a little ragged. Food is the funniest. "oh shoot, I don't have any frosting! Do you think I could just use ketchup?" Thoughtful, brief, intended pause, "sure, yeah.". Serious, the concept is not there in how things associate to one another because that cycle, the Lord parallels many eternal scenarios. It's our job to serve him amidst all this jibber jabber. Oh, and I'm talking about dipping grapes into ranch people! My kids are awesome and I am really blessed to be helping them, I know they will be successful in many things they try. Reactive attachment can be very interesting especially when compared to the needs met and environmental factors makes it even. It is actually an impairment and makes them vulnerable of sorts. Yikes! In it for the long haul, these relationships are blooming and bonding, but getting cheated on that for your child is beyond frustrating. Again, my Rock is out of this world so I shoot for the stars and keep my head up!

Waiting on the call

Got an interesting message from an adoption worker in Iowa this morning. Only to leave her one back and try 3 more times with no contact. I was so flabbergasted I did't write word for word. My take is that a child we have connections to is in placement. Could it be another sibling, now years more of trauma and pain afflicted to them at the mercy of an inadequate adoption worker who placed them in a miserable home years ago? Are we going to get th chance to try and mend the brokennes and wreck? Wouldn't pass up the chance, but waiting til Monday now!?!?

Who is it?
What happened?
What' going on?

Aww the poor babies, will be so mad if my gut is right.

Truths about special ed

I cannot endure the cracks any longer, and will begin homeschooling fuzzy and buzzy on Monday. I nervous and excited at the same time. Nervous that I will lose perspective and not be successful. Excited because they will be getting a better education. They actually have to, as I told lue, there is not much pressure since buzzy hasn't learned anything ins the last three years. So what has he learned? Being 80%. Inclusive special Ed, over the last 7 years in 4 schools the underlying theme is: REWARDS COME WITHOUT WORK.

Not exactly a parent with high expectations for their kids vision. He would fill the pop machines at school, have treats and parties a couple days a week, and whatever else they could make fun for him. He just went to school to hang out. The funniest is they were working on a checkbook in math, but he continues to have difficulty differentiating between withdrawals and deposits. YA THINK? You wouldn't expect a third grader to balance a checkbook, but because he is almost 16 he should be? I am tired of babysitting a program I have lost faith in, and what's that saying....if you can fix a problem don't complain about it. Part 1 fixed. Being exempt from the controversial standardized testing has been no advantage to him. Then, they have the nerve to provide drivers Ed, and recommend special Ed take it to gain safety knowledge and personal growth in understanding heir limitations and abilities, making it easier to accept other transportation plans. But But guess what?

At no time in the quarter did the teacher make any correlation between her grading and passing requirements and the states, so my poor buzzy thinks he is going to get his license, when he got a d in the class and tested in the 60%s. AARRGGHHHH!!! Once again, do you people realize that someone is responsible for this person emotional well begging and it is ME! Now he has to wait to take his test though, this process led me to an error with our adoption in that the birth certificates were never flies with the state, and his original certificate cannot even be obtained by me. Messed up catch tail i get to play, because I am so bored and all.

Homeschooling will be way more fun than trying to advocate 24/7 for my kid to get s fair education. The price may be high with my nerves, but I can do all things through Christ! This is what God wants for our family right now and the natural born teacher in me is having fun with it, but we don't start til tomorrow!

Happy is doing way better in school, thanks to aderall. Both girls are doing piano lessons one, that ring brain left brain should be excellent for Happy, combined with her twice weekly speech therapy we could hope for a university education! Fuzzy And the girls are doing basketball too and I want to find something for Buzzy to do....but he is such s lazy whiner:)

33weeks preggo tomorrow, so there is my motivation to get established with a good routine! 6 weeks til baby girl comes on girls school spring break week, that we will obviously observe, then 10 weeks til summer! We can do this!!

and the time goes on

getting in a slumph is the tough thing for me while raising dd kids. for 7 years we have told fuzzy to not carry pencils in his pocket. i feel like just giving up on that, he literally had 9 pencils in his pants pocket the other night. along with a post it pad, about 25 index cards, some toys, and a wrapper or two, plus his wallet. it was the pocket that never ends! i just struggle with the joy in this parenting experience. mainly with fuzzy. his defiance and arguing over everything is even worse with him being 14- seems like he is copping an attitude of entitlement. we feel like packing up to south america and changing what expectations not only these battery obsessed trauma kids have but also our other kids and their materialistic views. lillu is asking for a dirtbike every day and lilme is fashion crazy. liltoo is nuk obsessed and i guess i feel trapped with maintaining this large household with so many...necessities and things. can i just wash my clothes in a tin basin for a couple years?
so the time goes on with some things never changing. i think what needs to change is my expectation for change. but i am such a logistic and analytic that it drives me nuts and combined with their emotional pushes i feel at a loss for ever having anything real to even care about. but yet i am driven and consumed to strive for their academic and developmental success and it sucks the life out of me and with such limited progress it makes me want to GIVE UP!! food and shelter, if i didn't feel so compelled for them to make progress maybe i could be more focused on building our relationships or having fun with them. right now when my day is done and when the work is done i feel burnt out and not interested in battling the emotional gaps they present to bond. yuck it just sucks, not what i would have envisioned and yet stuck and not sure how to rechannel my thoughts. oh i know the trainings, i know that success looks different for everyone and i should love the good things and teach mercy and grace. but unless you live in my house, or live this world. i beg to differ that it sounds wayyy easier than it is. sometimes i feel like i am being punished for even wanting to help raise orphans. why else would i have such strong conflict on being a mom, something that i once loved and now am tormented with feelings of resentment and struggle. my hope is in Christ and i need to release my feelings to him and rely on him to fill my heart with peace and love, joy, hope, perseverance, trust, and faithfulness. Please Lord, hold me close so I can love my kids and be the mom you want me to be. Prayers and practical advise welcome:)

oh yeah, and in august retardo passed away and we took all the kids on our 7 year anniversary to bid farewell to him. closure is good. life is good. i just needed to vent.