BlendedFamilyOneGoal: and the time goes on

Friday, December 2, 2011

and the time goes on

getting in a slumph is the tough thing for me while raising dd kids. for 7 years we have told fuzzy to not carry pencils in his pocket. i feel like just giving up on that, he literally had 9 pencils in his pants pocket the other night. along with a post it pad, about 25 index cards, some toys, and a wrapper or two, plus his wallet. it was the pocket that never ends! i just struggle with the joy in this parenting experience. mainly with fuzzy. his defiance and arguing over everything is even worse with him being 14- seems like he is copping an attitude of entitlement. we feel like packing up to south america and changing what expectations not only these battery obsessed trauma kids have but also our other kids and their materialistic views. lillu is asking for a dirtbike every day and lilme is fashion crazy. liltoo is nuk obsessed and i guess i feel trapped with maintaining this large household with so many...necessities and things. can i just wash my clothes in a tin basin for a couple years?
so the time goes on with some things never changing. i think what needs to change is my expectation for change. but i am such a logistic and analytic that it drives me nuts and combined with their emotional pushes i feel at a loss for ever having anything real to even care about. but yet i am driven and consumed to strive for their academic and developmental success and it sucks the life out of me and with such limited progress it makes me want to GIVE UP!! food and shelter, if i didn't feel so compelled for them to make progress maybe i could be more focused on building our relationships or having fun with them. right now when my day is done and when the work is done i feel burnt out and not interested in battling the emotional gaps they present to bond. yuck it just sucks, not what i would have envisioned and yet stuck and not sure how to rechannel my thoughts. oh i know the trainings, i know that success looks different for everyone and i should love the good things and teach mercy and grace. but unless you live in my house, or live this world. i beg to differ that it sounds wayyy easier than it is. sometimes i feel like i am being punished for even wanting to help raise orphans. why else would i have such strong conflict on being a mom, something that i once loved and now am tormented with feelings of resentment and struggle. my hope is in Christ and i need to release my feelings to him and rely on him to fill my heart with peace and love, joy, hope, perseverance, trust, and faithfulness. Please Lord, hold me close so I can love my kids and be the mom you want me to be. Prayers and practical advise welcome:)

oh yeah, and in august retardo passed away and we took all the kids on our 7 year anniversary to bid farewell to him. closure is good. life is good. i just needed to vent.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Confusing Family Tree or Cartoon Reality?

Buzzy and Fuzzy ages 13 and 14...ready for the world...living in the moment. Possible trauma and rad affects their ability to have realistic outlook to life.

Happy is a walking tickle me elmo. Very resilient, yet following some social skills that look like Fuzzy's ODD. Lost services last year after having them since 18 months. Has most benefited from the constant modeling her sister older by 5 days has provided for her.

Lilme, our apparent model, has her own set of issues, and sometimes the questions of what life would have been without the family dynamics changes we created and allowed. Seems to have some behavioral emotional events and can be pretty demanding.

Lillu is keeping up pretty good and is full of energy. Now we just don't want to wreck it!

Liltoo loves everyone and the balance the baby creates is even better than a pet, she has a magical way of bonding our family and lightening many frustrating moments.

Lulee 10 and Lua 14 are testing the waters of independence as they are primarily raised in an environment we have no control over and infact cringe at some of their everyday.

Lue is one hard working hubby that does great. Doesn't have a relationship with his dad- who Buzzy, Fuzzy, and Happy have also as a biological dad.

Retardo, per Spanish pronunciaton, Lue's dad most recently contacted us saying that he needed 15K in two weeks or he would take Lue to court. Years ago, when they abandoned their fire property, Lue retreived as a gift a totally dismanteled vehicle. By totally dismanteled there was not a screw in place.

Retardo and his wife, Hall, blame us for not letting them see their kids even though the other 3 they have no idea where they are.

Farmers, the family that adopted M & A, after we had our homestudy ready and spent thousands of dollars trying to get them. Thought they were trying to kill M and reported them to SS this summer. Blocked my number and removed me from FB. This is a woman that doesn't even talk to her immediate family, so not ready to have any emotional relationship and or reconciliation attempts. She knew that we would have turned them in. The kid weighed 44# and was nearly 11. Lathargic, on a compromising diet (gluten and dairy free) for behaviors. They said last winter they would check in the morning to see if he had made it, like livestock or something.

The oldest of the 6 kids that got taken from Retardo and Hall is in long term foster care, against our original ideas. We have come to terms with God's plan but look forward to the future to see what type of relationship the kids will be capable of having. They all have significant social, learning, and processing problems that no blood work, mri, or testing can really label. Sometimes a label helps us to better understand what the future holds.