Attachment

Reactive attachment disorder is almost like brain damage because the concepts were not formed at infancy, or likely birth to three when such immaculate nature transponder between parents and infants. In relationships, communication, temperature, space, time, and money I can see associations I would contribute to the neglect. The brain damage piece is there is no way to teach these things either. It just really sucks. But, of course I take joy because I have faith my Lord Jesus has great plans for his people. Rad can vary, some extreme cases can really inhibits one ability to be independant. And in the meantime runs a little ragged. Food is the funniest. "oh shoot, I don't have any frosting! Do you think I could just use ketchup?" Thoughtful, brief, intended pause, "sure, yeah.". Serious, the concept is not there in how things associate to one another because that cycle, the Lord parallels many eternal scenarios. It's our job to serve him amidst all this jibber jabber. Oh, and I'm talking about dipping grapes into ranch people! My kids are awesome and I am really blessed to be helping them, I know they will be successful in many things they try. Reactive attachment can be very interesting especially when compared to the needs met and environmental factors makes it even. It is actually an impairment and makes them vulnerable of sorts. Yikes! In it for the long haul, these relationships are blooming and bonding, but getting cheated on that for your child is beyond frustrating. Again, my Rock is out of this world so I shoot for the stars and keep my head up!

Waiting on the call

Got an interesting message from an adoption worker in Iowa this morning. Only to leave her one back and try 3 more times with no contact. I was so flabbergasted I did't write word for word. My take is that a child we have connections to is in placement. Could it be another sibling, now years more of trauma and pain afflicted to them at the mercy of an inadequate adoption worker who placed them in a miserable home years ago? Are we going to get th chance to try and mend the brokennes and wreck? Wouldn't pass up the chance, but waiting til Monday now!?!?

Who is it?
What happened?
What' going on?

Aww the poor babies, will be so mad if my gut is right.

Truths about special ed

I cannot endure the cracks any longer, and will begin homeschooling fuzzy and buzzy on Monday. I nervous and excited at the same time. Nervous that I will lose perspective and not be successful. Excited because they will be getting a better education. They actually have to, as I told lue, there is not much pressure since buzzy hasn't learned anything ins the last three years. So what has he learned? Being 80%. Inclusive special Ed, over the last 7 years in 4 schools the underlying theme is: REWARDS COME WITHOUT WORK.

Not exactly a parent with high expectations for their kids vision. He would fill the pop machines at school, have treats and parties a couple days a week, and whatever else they could make fun for him. He just went to school to hang out. The funniest is they were working on a checkbook in math, but he continues to have difficulty differentiating between withdrawals and deposits. YA THINK? You wouldn't expect a third grader to balance a checkbook, but because he is almost 16 he should be? I am tired of babysitting a program I have lost faith in, and what's that saying....if you can fix a problem don't complain about it. Part 1 fixed. Being exempt from the controversial standardized testing has been no advantage to him. Then, they have the nerve to provide drivers Ed, and recommend special Ed take it to gain safety knowledge and personal growth in understanding heir limitations and abilities, making it easier to accept other transportation plans. But But guess what?

At no time in the quarter did the teacher make any correlation between her grading and passing requirements and the states, so my poor buzzy thinks he is going to get his license, when he got a d in the class and tested in the 60%s. AARRGGHHHH!!! Once again, do you people realize that someone is responsible for this person emotional well begging and it is ME! Now he has to wait to take his test though, this process led me to an error with our adoption in that the birth certificates were never flies with the state, and his original certificate cannot even be obtained by me. Messed up catch tail i get to play, because I am so bored and all.

Homeschooling will be way more fun than trying to advocate 24/7 for my kid to get s fair education. The price may be high with my nerves, but I can do all things through Christ! This is what God wants for our family right now and the natural born teacher in me is having fun with it, but we don't start til tomorrow!

Happy is doing way better in school, thanks to aderall. Both girls are doing piano lessons one, that ring brain left brain should be excellent for Happy, combined with her twice weekly speech therapy we could hope for a university education! Fuzzy And the girls are doing basketball too and I want to find something for Buzzy to do....but he is such s lazy whiner:)

33weeks preggo tomorrow, so there is my motivation to get established with a good routine! 6 weeks til baby girl comes on girls school spring break week, that we will obviously observe, then 10 weeks til summer! We can do this!!

and the time goes on

getting in a slumph is the tough thing for me while raising dd kids. for 7 years we have told fuzzy to not carry pencils in his pocket. i feel like just giving up on that, he literally had 9 pencils in his pants pocket the other night. along with a post it pad, about 25 index cards, some toys, and a wrapper or two, plus his wallet. it was the pocket that never ends! i just struggle with the joy in this parenting experience. mainly with fuzzy. his defiance and arguing over everything is even worse with him being 14- seems like he is copping an attitude of entitlement. we feel like packing up to south america and changing what expectations not only these battery obsessed trauma kids have but also our other kids and their materialistic views. lillu is asking for a dirtbike every day and lilme is fashion crazy. liltoo is nuk obsessed and i guess i feel trapped with maintaining this large household with so many...necessities and things. can i just wash my clothes in a tin basin for a couple years?
so the time goes on with some things never changing. i think what needs to change is my expectation for change. but i am such a logistic and analytic that it drives me nuts and combined with their emotional pushes i feel at a loss for ever having anything real to even care about. but yet i am driven and consumed to strive for their academic and developmental success and it sucks the life out of me and with such limited progress it makes me want to GIVE UP!! food and shelter, if i didn't feel so compelled for them to make progress maybe i could be more focused on building our relationships or having fun with them. right now when my day is done and when the work is done i feel burnt out and not interested in battling the emotional gaps they present to bond. yuck it just sucks, not what i would have envisioned and yet stuck and not sure how to rechannel my thoughts. oh i know the trainings, i know that success looks different for everyone and i should love the good things and teach mercy and grace. but unless you live in my house, or live this world. i beg to differ that it sounds wayyy easier than it is. sometimes i feel like i am being punished for even wanting to help raise orphans. why else would i have such strong conflict on being a mom, something that i once loved and now am tormented with feelings of resentment and struggle. my hope is in Christ and i need to release my feelings to him and rely on him to fill my heart with peace and love, joy, hope, perseverance, trust, and faithfulness. Please Lord, hold me close so I can love my kids and be the mom you want me to be. Prayers and practical advise welcome:)

oh yeah, and in august retardo passed away and we took all the kids on our 7 year anniversary to bid farewell to him. closure is good. life is good. i just needed to vent.

what part dont you understand?

when last year, i discovered buzzy had been soliciting sellers on craigslist with ridiculous offers on electronics, mainly phones, i talked to the case manager because he is essentially targeting himself as handicapped and i am not comfortable with that. who would be? oh yeah, ok, we'll keep an eye on that.
guess who is searching craigslist again at school?
i am totally disgusted with this and do not even know how to be nice about it, but really, does he need internet free time in his 7 hours at school? i beg to differ and unless he is totally supervised, he should not be in the computer lab as he cannot be trusted to not endanger himself.
waiting to her from lue to see where he stuck the ipad buzzy gets to use on saturdays so i can see his sent box. he is sneaky enough though that is not even for sure, he may understand to delete that. as slow as he is in so many things, he has manipulation and sneakyness to a t.
waiting for a call back from the case manager too. if they cannot assure me that he has supervised internet that they can transfer his records today. yuck!

not so funny

8 yo:
"i went to kiss her and then suddenly accidentally bit her" about why the 1 yo is crying. nice. oh the joys of dd, no logic, impulsiveness!

thankful for the school bus though and the grace of God!

why i am mad

i am mad because i learned that school was letting 8th grade Buzzy, sit around on the computer.
i knew it was happening, and i had made minor comments to the teacher, but was hoping that i was overreacting. the internet is so wide spread these days, and maybe buzzy bounces like any other 15 year old would, and is checking ebay and craislist without their knowledge, but i highly doubt that. plus, what is he supposed to be doing?
the new case manager, at the high school- who probably doesnt realize the weight on her shoulders, because i am so tired of him getting a shitty education. two weeks. and then district change and if i am not happy by christmas i will do that virtual acadmy or something.
the new teacher then, she said it was maybe happening at lunch.
i said that if it cannot be confirmed that he not be making online contact with strangers, essentially targeting himself, then i will not be sending him so i need to know. i am not negotiating this. would you?
this is why:
he sent numerous emails to craigslist people selling phones on craigslist, making offers as low as $3 or up to $20. One person replied and then insulted him because the 20$ offer was for a 500$ phone. He even sent an email on accident to david, and responds to junk mail. Like the facebook account he set up, and he created a new name for internet, a common name- like John. Then opened up various accounts, like with some newspapers and where he gets tons of junk emails. He didn't remember the facebook password and hadn't ever done anything on it. But I told him he should have told me that. Now Fuzzy on the other hand, he even made 7 friends and understands how that works. For him I just changed the password and when they earn the internet back, the 20th, I will consider letting them have a page on their own. I just want to be supervising their activities or contacts- raising vulnerable kids is SO HARD! And people dont really get it until a situation arises and it becomes clear that there is minimal understanding or regard to what may be happening.
Buzzy lies about things and with his memory impairments it makes things tough.
I just don't know if I can handle the boys emotional energy for such constant things, and if they cannot be trusted then how do I keep them safe? There are people that actually hurt retarded people.

Just yesterday our case worker with Lifeworks reminded me of how we are doing the best we can and it is a tough job. Everyone will be just fine. And we are minor to some folks! I might have a 13 year old leak through pull ups and finally after years of my torture, he is being medicated and not doing that as much. I pray that lilman does not have bed wetting issues. They say it runs in the family, but they say that to me knowing that i have always primarily attributing it to the parenting and potty training process. So I can admit that by letting cute lilman sleep soundly and I change his diaper at night is not a good idea. I guess I am thinking when he turns four. He is like a four year old too though, so the diapers need to be done.

So, moving into the new school year, I will be quick to address last years case manager, whom I grew less and less favorable to over working with her the last 2 years. Do I bring this to higher authority attention? Or just be clear to her that Fuzzy also can be choosing other activities and will not be unsupervised to contact strangers either. I just do not feel there is reason to be doing that without both boys having an adult know that it is not targeting them or subjecting them for any recourse. And I am not sure if they will ever understand, so unsure how you could teach that. I do want to be texting with Buzzy, he has an ipod- I facilitated and assisted him in buying that from craigslist. I bet he thinks he is learning from me, poor kid. He just doesn't understand money or has some little glitches in trade/resale/exchange peice.

The different deficits of funciton are visible in various aspects yet, not entirely linked to lack of ability as a whole. Quite complex circuit board registry. Definitly honored to be safeguarding that treasure and their hearts are pure. Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world. I do to, I just wish it didn't come with such pain sometimes. The price has been paid, I know I need to be focused on what is right, and that is raising my babies the best I can. For that I am blessed! so i am not mad...just needed to vent!