maybe bangs or a business

So foster family work didn't go over so well and we have enough of our own problems. Having a dysfunctional 38 yo mom with her 4 kiddos just isn't all that it is cracked up to be!

Transitions

I hope that our decision to take in my s-i-l and her 4 kids will positively impact everyone involved. Because it isn't easy! And if you are 38 and have such a history of unhealthy relationships and emotional instability, I guess this is called foster familying. She is at court today. I just hope it doesn't turn into me telling her that the kids can't/shouldn't go back "home" until school is out. This was their 5th transfer THIS YEAR!!

That was my underlying motivation here, because once again they were in a (self-induced) crisis and they needed a place to go.

It is nice to see interactions with her and my adopted trio though, they are her half-siblings. It is funny though, because we feel like we are convincing her of their disabilities sometimes. In time, I think she has the capacity to understand our concerns. We sometimes get bogged down with labels and the deeper thinking once trained and informed with the psychology of traumatized kids. Her kids are actually traumatized too and her time is up for them to be in foster care and they have had a rough road. SO, this is all in love that we may encourage, model, and support her in being a strong woman able to parent her children and care for herself emotionally as well. That might be impractical and against all odds, but at least we can't say we didn't try...right?

testing testing 123

or not, our sermon series is on radical life. and funny that we were YESTERDAY asked to take in Lue's older sister and her 4 kids. Like we don't have enough going on here. but the answer didn't take long. what's the point here, anyhow?

serve one another, shelter the orphans (and their mother,) feed the poor, selfless, uncomfortable, sharing, caring, give give give.

except some just take take take, but that is not the issue. right now it is what needed to happen, more for those 5 than our 10- but i know that God has a plan for that greater number too- so unfold it!

i am hoping that it will not be more than a couple months, and in the grande scheme of things, not a big deal. i am secretly thinking this is good to see where we are at for adding a few kids down the road:)

lilme immediately cleared her closet and was eager to inform me that she knew where blondie's (her 8 year old cousin sleeping under her lofted bed) socks and under ware would go and where her pj's would go too. yep, takes after her momma. the other day she said that, in pretend play (of course) that she "adopted a few kids from africa and has a few people visiting from colombia." haha where does she come up with this stuff?

i love imagination!!

Distractions at school

So Buzzy made a quick dash to his room before bundling up for school, but on the way out I had to take headphones and a pack of batteries, which then he stomped away. Last week the boys case manager had called and asked that they not have distracting items at school, as unknown to me, Buzzy brought a dead cell phone he found on the street t-th and she had finally told them they couldn't even talk about it in her room. Haha, someone gets it!

Until someone gets it, we often feel judged and perceived as being too harsh or critical of their interests. No! Their interests drive everyone INSANE!! So I am not sure what the headphones and batteries are for, but we will have to have the conversation again that school is for learning and they do not bring stuff with them. I hope he had a walkman or something, but I didn't have time to find out, so my only choice was to eliminate the obvious. Batteries and cords, cell phones, and gadgets have an emotional hold on these boys! It is just bizarre! I attribute Buzzy's to the ASD; however, Fuzzy- thinking that is more trauma related or RAD- I guess those same could be true for Buzzy. Oh well, don't know, just deal with it!

Happy has lost another glove, and unfortunately it is her 2nd right one, or she would have two beautiful gloves to wear, just not together! Her lack of concern to her possessions is frustrating because I feel like I should never give her anything new or nice. Cutting holes in things, sitting in dark wet things with no second thoughts, crawling around on the floor, marker/paint/glue all over, stickers hiding on through the wash...you know how that ruins clothes. So anyhow, she flew out the door without gloves today. Nice. Minnesota Nice.

She is getting discharged from speech therapy that she has had for 6 years. Don't know why, but it makes me sad. I guess it feels like there is little hope for her deficits. Granted, she has many skills and I know she can do good at life; however, there are some significant glitches in her processing, memory, and communication that will forever challenge her. We are going to address the attention, as therapy suggested and next week we will be meeting with our doctor to try something for the ADHD. I am totally in favor, as she is such a little Fuzzy that I think it will curb some of the ODD tendencies as well and I hope she can escape such future with.

Lue has broke, and in his anti-med theories, has come to terms with Fuzzy's ODD and asked that we medicate him. Going from sober to 2 on meds? I guess so. It does not define who they are as people, just might help us through this phase in life, as for Fuzzy, it is hard to be level headed with his only goal is to throw you off from that. And Happy, well it might help her neurological busyness tone down, as the Audiologist said. I am willing to use medication to see progress and hopefully it will be true progress and medication will not be a long-term thing here.

rubbing it in?

not sure if she just doesn't get it, or if it is her way of making pokes at me, but a good friend always seems to question my decisions regarding the level of involvement to social and or academic things for my special needs kids. like i am having my step daughters take private spanish with me and then she is asking if any of the other kids are doing it.
can they even answer a question in english?
can they have a normal conversation in english?
and yet here i go, making excuses and being put on the spot as if i am punishing them or excluding them, when in reality i am the parent and i have decided i am not interested in working on anything more than i already do or HAVE to with them. yeah, like i am going to add bilingualism to their expectations. are you kidding me?!
someday i will defend my rights and turn the finger back to her, as i question the intentions of such statements. basically she doesn't agree with some of the limits i have for parenting expectations to my kids. and she is involved with us, but evidently thinks that i am punishing them for their disability. while really the only one being punished if they were afforded some of these opportunities is me or my budget. i am not going to invest in opportunities when there is such a lack of everyday communication abilities. NOT GOING TO DO IT! i am not sending my boys to youth group retreats because i do not feel, they are at the level to which it is intended and it would cause great anxiety and them to bug out and then i absorb that and it just ISNT WORTH IT! is that fair to them? don't know don't care. when an opportunity becomes a liability i am just not interested. i would have to feel there would be REAL advantages to then commit to that obligation. that is why i am called the mom right? i am in charge! if my boys could make friendships and have real relationships outside of our home i may be more inclined to pay for them to go to social events geared at training them. right now, not on the agenda. if we can figure out elapsed time, maybe i would. whatever, i am just sick of defending my position of non-involvement in certain areas. until you walk my walk and actually live day in and day out- i am not talking about an overnight and the kids playing. i am talking about a power outage or two step directions DAY IN AND DAY OUT WITH NO PROGRESS, you wouldn't spend your time or money on certain things either. so BACK OFF!

hmph

i am sad that i dont really have any friends that understand me.
i wish that my kids were not so disabled in such quirky ways.
i wonder what my life would be like had i not gotten wrapped up in that guy.
i think most days my life is really painful.
i try to be focused and purposeful but it doesnt always work.
i am crying because i am alone.
i wish that we were not beaten down with special needs.
i wonder what life would be like if people could see my heart and copy that.
i think normal is over ratted, but i long for that.
i try to be fair, but it just isnt the same no matter what.
i am daydreaming of a lesser responsibility time in my life.
i wish that people did things for me sometimes or that i had a mentor.
i wonder who of my kids will be independent adults.
i think for being thirty something i should be able to spell independent, sentence, and receive
i try to make things simple, really, i do
i am sitting in the dark with lue, lilme, and lilone sleeping. the rest are luckily absent.
i wish that i could always be positive and not get drug down with lies and worldly crap.
i wonder if i will get to have friends some day.
i think lue is my best friend but can't remember his blog name, so hope that is right:)
i try to be a light in the darkness and LIGHT PREVAILS!
i am going to be the best mom these kids could ever have.
i wish that my family would continue to bond and blend and build lasting commitments.
i wonder what the gates of heaven will be like. i will wait upon the LORD.
i think too much.
i say too much.
and write?
never.

IEPS go til 21

YiKes!
I learned emancipation language years ago as a child support officer, that support continues until age 18 or graduation through age 21, whichever comes later. But yet in my mind, the countdown, on a bad day. The daydream of life after so many years, was figuring that my boys would graduate as seniors. Not so.

After meeting with a county disabilities worker, she has made it clear that the state law is that both boys receive transition skill building and that is what happens 19-21. So that is good news, and also big news. Not that another couple years will matter at this point; however, just the math of it all- even with bedroom occupancy it makes things different.

Fuzzy's ready for a haircut again. Too bad we think hygiene factors are not compatible with long hair, that seems to be trendy and it would be so much easier! But easy cannot be our goal. No one ever said it would be easy and often times easy is lazy. We are hard working midwestern folk that need to instill that in every aspect of our lives. We are modeling marriage, work ethic, communication, and so many other lessons that we don't even realize. I just hope they dismiss the negatives and take the positives. There may be for the power of prayer!

Then I got Hall now finding me on FB, said I just cannot emotionally handle a relationship, but someday (like in 14 years?) I would love to. I directed her to the blog, not this one of course. Nobody reads this one! This is just for me. My secret diary that is open to the public.